I accidentally had phone sex last night
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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