I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
