would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
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