Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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