How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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