tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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