I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
