Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
