its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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