He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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