think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
