I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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