I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
