I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
