Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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