I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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