The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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