I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
