is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
being pregnant is like rehab
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
