im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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