I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
