Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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