If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
