Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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