day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
