Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
