the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
