she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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