somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
