It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
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Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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