fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
