you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
