i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
