So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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