I cut my penus on the lid.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
