Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
