Betty ford says i'm here all night
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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