I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
