Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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