so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
