Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Randomize
