At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
