I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
