my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
