Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
