my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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