Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
