All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
