i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
