Jerry, you need to find god
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
