I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
