If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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