Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
