you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
