I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
