I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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