his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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