My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
