I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
