you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We are two peas in an std pod
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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