my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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