Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
