Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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