I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
