What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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